Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
