Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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