I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
