Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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