We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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