She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
