New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
No subtext here. People are naked.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
