In the future we'll all be gay
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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