i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Need sex. Gaining weight.
my being single is dangerous.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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