She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
