ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Randomize