Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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