ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
