I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
