So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
