I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
