watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
