I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
