My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
