I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
