y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize