I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
