Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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