You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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