just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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