i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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