Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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