i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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