feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
