I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
