Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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