If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
