dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I need a beard to bite.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
