you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
