Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
