i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
