I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
