It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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