you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
