the condom got lost in my hair
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I wish you could order shots online.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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