If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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