i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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