I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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