before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
This toilet bowl is my home.
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