come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
