dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
