Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
if only i could text you this smell
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
