Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
