Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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