I will die if light touches me.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I still have a little drunk in my system
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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