yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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