My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
