I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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