it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
