Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
