You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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