get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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