I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
