Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
