I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
