Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
