Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Randomize
