Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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