I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
