You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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