It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
