Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
