If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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