DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
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